There are only two kinds of people who have a reason to use Twitter - celebrities who are promoting their work, and people who are incredibly, mind-bogglingly banal.
Andy Borowitz falls into the first category. I am much more likely to want to buy his book because he twits consistently witty things. Here are some of his best tweets in the past 24 hours alone:
Andy Borowitz @BorowitzReportI found these on Twitter just now, but you know where I saw them first? On Facebook because Borowitz feeds his tweets into his Facebook newsfeed. So who needs Twitter for reading tweets?
Just to be on the safe side, people should probably stop wearing hoodies, and also be white.
Bad news for Obama: he can't hire the best person to sabotage Mitt Romney's campaign, because that is Mitt Romney.
If someone shoots innocent civilians in Afghanistan, he's arrested a lot faster than he would be in Florida.
BREAKING: Prostitution Ring Embarrassed by Association with John Edwards
I worry that Geraldo's hoodie comment will overshadow all the other comments he's made that are equally idiotic.
The second category of people, the mind-bogglingly banal, well they are truly dedicated to Twitter. I used to check in frequently with one individual's tweets because I just couldn't believe that she felt the need to tweet such utter banalities on a regular basis. I mean electron microscope-sized small talk. Things like (I'm paraphrasing) "my coffee is very hot this morning." Eventually I stopped reading her tweets because... well I guess I just forgot about her. But I suddenly thought to check in to see how it's going and yes, she is still the sworn enemy of significance - here are just some of her tweets from the past week or so:
- She has noticed an attractive man nearby
- She doesn't want to be annoyed today
- She is wearing a special nail polish color
- She found a musical item just now
- Some food in her refrigerator went bad
- There was water on the floor of the subway
- It's foggy this morning
- She noticed a room is chilly
- She has eaten a delicious dessert
I just can't imagine that the effort to type out the present climate conditions in 140 characters or less is worth the bother.
I would feel sorry for her, for being so boring, but she seems to be a completely contented, spitting out little cuds of banality on a regular basis, with the occasion sharing of mutual approving moos with of one of her friends. No, I'm sure the banal either have no idea they are banal or if they do, they think that banal is exactly the thing to be.
I'll check back with her in another six months. I suspect when I do I will learn more about temporary weather conditions, subway car inconveniences and the state of her groceries. I can hardly wait.