Monday, October 25, 2010

Guy's Guide to Online Dating

Yo bro. You want to get a date with a girl through this online service? Here's what the long-term users of our site do to attract the chicks!

Post an ugly picture.

You want her to see the real you, not some flattering image of a pretty boy - you don't want a shallow woman. Take the photo in the bathroom mirror if at all possible.

Your profile: share your sexual skills

If you mention you're a "cunning linguist" (heh heh heh) she's sure to want you.

Your profile: Be mysterious or eccentric

There's two ways to go here - either give nothing away in your profile, or the opposite - share every opinion, preference and interest you have. Whatever you do, don't establish that you are a pleasant, safe and sane person. Girls like guys who come off as scary or odd.

Don't read her profile

Who cares about her interests, or if you have anything in common? If you like her pictures go ahead and email her.

Only contact the youngest and hottest women

Because no matter how old or out of shape you are, you expect and deserve a 20-year-old Victoria's Secret underwear super model.

Tell her what you think of her appearance

When you first email a girl, start by telling her what you think of her looks. It's just like when you see a pretty lady on the street and you cat-call her as she walks by - girls LOVE it when strangers pass judgment on their appearance!

Don't actually have a conversation

Once she responds in a non-hostile way to your email, make sure to avoid having a real conversation. If she asks you something about yourself, respond if you must, but never reciprocate. Nothing kills a conversation like give-and-take, and you both know why you are really here - to get laid. You certainly don't want to waste time blabbing about who-cares-what. The goal is to get into her panties - never forget that, and never let HER forget that.

It's not you, it's her

OK, so in spite of following these wonderful tips, she still doesn't want to go out with you. You know why - because you're a NICE GUY and women only want assholes who will beat them and cheat on them. If she doesn't want you, it's not your fault. You don't need to change, all the women of the world need to change!

So start emailing the girls - do you know how much hookers charge for "girlfriend service" these days?