Monday, December 19, 2005

An Open Letter to Paul McCartney

Look, Dude. What the hell is this dealie with Fidelity Investments all about?

Why, Paul, why? I was out there defending you, bro. Any time there's an argument about who was better, or who was more important to the Beatles, the de rigueur hepcat response is "John". Well I was always jumping right in there speaking up for you - you, the genius musician who can play any instrument. Even Lennon admitted as much - when they asked him "is Ringo the best drummer in world?" he said "he isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles." He was talking about you Paul! And you were responsible for Sgt. Pepper, and you kept things going when John was happy to lay around in bed for peace or taking heroine with Yoko. And besides, you're a good guy - a good husband, a great father, and a caring son. Now you're a knight and a billionaire and millions of people love you.

So WHY are you allowing Fidelity Investments to parade you around like a cheap whore? Sure, they make a big deal out of how great you are, with their service marked motto over your head "The key is, never stop doing what you love.SM"

Is that what you really love Paul? Shilling for a bunch of money-mongers? Cause you can't be doing it for the cash. You don't need Fidelity's money! You're the fucking First National British Bank of McCartney, dude - you can virtually print your own money: put out a record, paint some pictures, write a fucking book called "All about me and John Lennon." Or just sit there and collect those Beatles and Wings royalties (I bought Band on the Run twice - first on vinyl, then on CD) and proceeds from Linda's vegetarian meals. You make money no matter what.

So why are you shilling for Fidelity Investments? Investments aren't about creating new wealth through hard work and talent, which is what the Beatles did in their heyday. Investments are about sitting back and watching the dough grow while the lackeys do the work. Is that really what you want to be associated with? It's so goddamn unseemly.

And it can't be the publicity you need. You'll be 64 this June. You know everybody's gonna make a big deal out of that. Just sit back and wait for it.

So shape up and show a little more decorum. There's only two Beatles left and Ringo's always been too much of a good-time Charlie to stand for anything. Have a little intergrity and be content with the incredible wealth and planetary fame you have. Or I swear the next time somebody's praising Lennon at your expense I won't say a word. You'll be sorry then!