Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The last episode of Compulsive Love is exactly what I predicted

Hello shitty web series fans.

If you've been following this blog you know that I predicted back in March that Compulsive Love, the shitty male fantasy web series about an ugly little rat-faced creature who is constantly having sex with every woman he meets, including lesbians would end this way:
So in Compulsive Love we have the crazy sluts: obviously all the women who have sex with Ratface; the bitch: the office manager, the Asian woman's mom; and Daria, the Because, Um... Girl. Now she's not having sex with Ratface yet, but I expect eventually Ratface will realize that she is the one for him. But she's still a Because, Um... Girl because she actually spends her free time with him. Because, Um... who the hell would do that??? Although if you are forced to live in the land of no attractive men, it does become more understandable.
Maybe there were some attractive men in the rest of the series - I couldn't stand to watch any more episodes because they made my skin crawl. But figuring by now the last episode must be online  I decided to take a peek and see if I was right. And sure enough...

I'm not saying I'm a genius for figuring it out. You could tell right from the beginning that the writers of this web series were utterly devoid of any original ideas and the entire thing would be an unholy alloy of 1970s-style porn scenarios fused with the schlubby soul of a Bud Light commercial. So anybody could see the conclusion of the series from the fucking Crab Nebula.

The "Because, Um... Girl" mentioned above comes from this brilliant analysis of Dude-Bro storylines by Sady Doyle from Tiger Beatdown, back when it used to be good.

The Because, Um... Girl described by Doyle...
...can only exist in the negative space created by this double bind. If women have standards, they're bitches; if they don't have standards, they're sluts: try to write yourself out of this, and you find that the only feasible way to create a non-threatening female character is to give her no motivations or personality whatsoever, to turn her into a cipher who provides love or sex simply because the plot demands it. 
Which, if you're a dude - particularly a dude threatened by women! - might just be a hilarious way to vent your gender anxiety and give your male character some pussy without having him face the complications inherent in dealing with actual individual female humans.
I mentioned earlier on this blog that the pussy delivery systems that are the females in this web series (unless it's a bitch pussy) don't have any existence outside of their fuck status vis-a-vis Ratface and the only metric that counts is how quickly the pussy delivery system delivers the pussy to the one with the face of a rat.

Although normally the inevitable capitulation of Because, Um... Girl to the hero is presented with a modicum of artfulness. Not so in Compulsive Love which is nothing if not the purest distillation of the Dude Bro Weltanschauung.

This is actually what happens in the episode (I paraphrased the script.)
(Ratface and Daria the Because... Um Girl are going to work together. Ratface is whining.) 
All women want to get married and have babies. And that's what I want. 
You'll find the right one. 
Hey! YOU are a pussy delivery system! 
You know too much about me - I almost have an existence that persists outside of your fuck-o-sphere. 
Let me keep talking until you comply. 
(2 seconds later) 
Since the plot demands that I deliver love or sex, I will comply. 
  (They go fuck on an office table. OFFICE MANAGER    sees them and since she's a bitch says:) 
Stop having sex on the office table.
(They go elsewhere and fuck.) 

And these are the people who get funding for their projects. The rest of us should go kill ourselves now.