THE CASSANDRA DIRECTIVE
by N. G. McClernan
EXT DESERT PLANET
This is an angry planet. OK maybe not an angry planet, but at least a somewhat disgruntled planet. But it has a lot of rocks and shit and that's kewl.
We see PUP, a retarded slob of a foot soldier who would be great comic relief except that he is also evil. A very good actor, maybe even a Shakespearean-quality actor should bewasted oncast in this role. He is dressed like a cowboy.
FROM HIS POV
We see a small silver spaceship land in the distance.
PUP
Whuuus that?
We hear LT. MANLY
MANLY
You're an idiot, Pup.
We see Manly and Pup from a middle distance. Manly is attractive, in a gruff manly damaged way, but not so attractive that he causes homoerotic panic in the target audience. He is dressed like a cross between a cowboy and a pirate.
ON the screen, her back to us, walks CASSANDRA, a beautiful woman, very thin except for her gigantic breasts. She is naked, but at first glance it looks like she's wearing a shiny black skin-tight jump suit because she has black shiny latext spray-painted over her body.
FROM HER POV
We see Manly smirking and Pup drooling. But then, he drools alot. His face breaks into a stupid lustful grin. Manly crosses his arms, wary.
MANLY
Can I help you Miss?
Cassandra speaks in a monotone and is completely incapable, as are all robots and aliens, of using contractions. The English language is beyond the capabilities of even the most sophisticated robots and aliens.
CASSANDRA
We will have sex. In the future.
MANLY
Come again?
PUP
Huhhuhhuh! She sayed yer gonna have sex!
MANLY
Pup, you're an idiot.
CASSANDRA
You do not believe me. That is the standard response from you huma - error 432 - from you boys.
MANLY
Why would I want to have sex with you?
PUP
Yew kin have sex wid me!
MANLY
Pup, you're an idiot. She's a robot. Cordoba class. Fully automatic with fine Corinthian leather, manufactured in the Terran city known as Newark.
PUP
No she ain't. She's a pretty lady!
MANLY
She can't use contractions.
PUP
She cain't use whuuut?
MANLY
Contractions! Didn't you hear her? Instead of "you don't believe me" she said "you do not believe me."
PUP
But that's the same thing. I don get it.
MANLY
You idiot. Don't is a contraction. She can't say it. Watch.
to Cassandra
Say "don't"
CASSANDRA
Do not.
MANLY
I said "don't." Say "don't"
CASSANDRA
Next you will say "Pup, you are an idiot."
PUP
She ain't gonna say it now. Yew jus told her 'dont say dont' - Ah hurd yuh.
MANLY
Pup, you're an idiot.
Manly and Pup look at each other in amazement.
PUP
How - how did she knew you wuz gonna say that?
MANLY
Why are you such an idiot?
to Cassandra
What could make you think I would fuck a hunk of junk like you?
CASSANDRA
I remind you of your dead wife.
MANLY
I don't have a dead wife.
CASSANDRA
You will tell me you have a dead wife. At some point in the future.
MANLY
I don't believe you.
Cassandra looks at Pup
CASSANDRA
And you will be killed by a nest of vipers. Mutant vipers.
PUP
Ah don' buhleeve that! Dey ain't no vipers, mutant or no nuther kind on this here disgruntled planet!
CASSANDRA
There will be when it becomes narratively convenient.
PUP
Whuuuu?
CASSANDRA
Now my master - error 786 - professor will come to this place and tell you that I am dangerous.
MANLY
I don't believe you.
In a moment, THE PROFESSOR appears.
PROFESSOR
Stay away from her! She's dangerous!
To be continued...