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WORDSMITHS
By N. G. McClernan
copyright 2010 By N. G. McClernan New York NY Last saved: 2/17/10 8:57 PM
CHARACTERS
PLACE á JanieÕs apartment á A bar in Manhattan
TIME Early 21c.
Scene 1(ALEX is reading from his novel, a work-in-progress, for the writersÕ group Gotham City Writers, which is meeting in JANIEÕs apartment. Also in attendance are FRANNY, IKE and MOLLY.) alex ÒAnd then Amara looked at Alan with awe and admiration and said ÔOh Alan, all of Africa owes you its gratitude. How lucky you came to us from Astoria Queens.Õ ÔWell babyÕ Alan replied, ÔweÕre all here for a reason. I guess I found mine.Õ And they kissed deeply. The next week Alan the handsome rogue from Astoria Queens married the African Princess. The EndÓ (Franny, Ike and Molly all applaud enthusiastically. Janie applauds too, but not quite so enthusiastially.) Franny Bravo! Alex So what did you think, guys? Franny I think itÕs wonderful. IÕm so jealous – so young and yet so talented! Alex Thank you Franny. Molly what did you think? Molly I thought it was very clever. Alex Ike? Ike Overall I think itÕs very good. One technical point, however, absinthe is actually green, not purple. Alex Details, details. Ike A good effort though. Alex Thank you Ike. Franny ItÕs brilliant. You are a genius. Alex So IÕve been told. (He says this as if heÕs being ironic, but he does in fact believe himself to be a genius.) Now I want to hear what Janie has to say. Janie No you donÕt. Alex Janie, Janie, Janie. There must be one thing you liked about my novel. Janie Some of the descriptions of the landscape in Africa were good. Franny There we go. A nice, constructive comment. ThatÕs the way to do it. Now letÕs have snacks. Alex Wait a minute – I want to hear what Janie didnÕt like. Ike No you donÕt. Franny She liked the landscape descriptions. Alex Come on Janie. What about all the female characters? YouÕre always saying that men donÕt write enough female characters. Janie Quantity isnÕt the same as quality. All your female characters are completely passive, just waiting around for the men to do things. Molly But some women are passive. Does everything have to be politically correct? Janie Sure, some women are passive. In this book all the women are passive. And that African princess – give me a break: Òshe looked at Alan with awe and admiration.Ó Please. Franny CanÕt any woman ever look with awe and admiration at a man? Janie But the Alan character is a complete douchebag. Alex Whoah, that hurts. Janie Well Alex, maybe if you made the Alan character a little bit different from yourself you would be able to deal with him more objectively. And I wonÕt even go into this whole idea of a continent full of black people and the most important, heroic character in your novel is the white American guy. Molly ThatÕs a commonly used trope. Franny Ooh, trope, good word. Molly Thank you. Janie And because itÕs common, he should use it? Franny Well I think your novel is fascinating, Alex. Keep writing. Janie OK, itÕs time for snacks. By the way – could anybody help chip in for the snacks? This batch cost me about fifteen dollars. I got the kind of wine everybody likes. Franny Ike honey, give her a dollar each from us. Ike Yes my sweet. Alex HereÕs a buck. (Ike and Alex give Janie money. Then they all look at Molly.) Molly Sorry, I donÕt have any cash on me – hereÕs a nickel. (Molly hands Janie a nickel.) Janie Thanks everybody. (Janie exits to go get the snacks in the kitchen.) Franny Oh my god – sheÕs so negative! Ike And of course itÕs Òsexist.Ó Franny I hope you didnÕt listen to a word she said, Alex. Your novel is wonderful. You keep writing. Alex Thank you for your support. Molly Why does Janie run this group? Ike She founded the group. ItÕs her apartment. She always buys the snacks. Molly We chip in. Franny OK, apartment and snacks. Are those good enough reasons to run a group? Molly No - everybody likes you much more than her, Franny. Your comments are always so constructive. You should be the leader. Franny I donÕt think Janie would like that. Ike We could start our own group and make you the leader. Franny Oh honey, would you do that for me? Would you give me my very own writers group? Ike Yes my pet. Alex We could meet at your place. Ike Uh no – thanks to my darling wifeÕs packrat nature, we barely have room for the two of us. Alex Well I have four roomates – all I have is a tiny bedroom for myself. What about MollyÕs place? She lives in a mansion. Franny But honey, thatÕs too far away. Ithica is just too far to go for a weekly meeting. Ike Maybe another member of the group will have a place we can use. Franny What other member? ike WeÕll invite everybody from this group to join our group. Franny Ooh, I like that! alex I donÕt know. Some of the long-time members might be loyal to Janie. Ike You overestimate the loyalty of people in the arts. Alex It might not look good. Ike IÕll figure out a way to finesse it. Franny Yay, IÕm going to have my very own writers group! (They all applaud for Franny, as Janie enters with the tray of snacks.) Janie Yes, snack time is always the favorite part of any meeting. (END OF SCENE.) Scene 2(A week later. Janie is in her apartment preparing for the next Gotham City Writers Group meeting. She has her laptop open. MARK, a long-time member enters.) Janie Mark – been a long time. Mark Hey Janie. HowÕs it going? Janie Weird Mark How so? Janie Check this out. Do you know Alex, one of the newer members of the group? Mark Is he a young guy? Full of himself? Janie Yes. Look what he wrote about me a few days ago on Facebook. (Shows him the comment on her laptop. Mark reads it aloud.) Mark ÒJanie is just like Bill OÕReilly – sheÕs a big bully.Ó Why did he write that? Janie I guess because I criticized his novel – we did a reading last week. Mark Was it bad? Janie Oh my god it sucked! I didnÕt even say half the things I thought were wrong with it. Everybody else just told him how great he was, as usual. Mark God I hate that shit. Janie You and me are the only ones who do. Mark Is he going to show up tonight? Janie I donÕt know. I had a pretty nasty flame war with him. ThatÕs an obnoxious thing to say. Bill OÕReilly is the lowest of the low. He IS a bully because he shuts off peopleÕs microphones. I may be opinionated, but I never stop other people from having their say, do I? Mark No. This Alex guy is obviously a douchebag. (Ike, Franny and Molly enter.) Janie Hi. Molly, this is Mark. And you other two remember Mark, right? Ike Sure. Hi Mark. Mark So whatÕs the deal with this guy Alex? Ike What do you mean? Mark Did you see what he wrote about Janie? Ike He was just expressing an opinion. Janie He attacked me. Ike But you attacked him last week. Janie I didnÕt attack him. I criticized his work – because he asked me for feedback. Ike If you treat people with respect, they will treat you with respect. Janie How is that not respect? I respect him enough as a writer to give my honest opinion. Molly How can that be an honest opinion? HeÕs a great writer. Jane What? Ike IÕm sorry you canÕt see it Janie, but itÕs the objective truth. Alex is a great writer. I think you are jealous of him, and thatÕs why you attacked him. Janie You canÕt be serious. molly Why are you so angry all the time, Janie? Janie IÕm not angry all the time. Ike Yes you are. YouÕre just an angry woman. Mark Look, this is ridiculous. Alex got mad because Janie said things about his work, and he attacked her on Facebook, in public. Ike Well maybe he should have kept it out of Facebook, but heÕs right about Janie being a bully. Mark Oh come on. HeÕs a lousy writer. And heÕs full of himself. And heÕs ugly too – I know he has a girlfriend, but she must have bad eyesight. Janie Uh, Mark, thatÕs not appropriate. Ike Why are you attacking AlexÕs girlfriend Janie? Janie What? I didnÕt attack – Ike Respect, Janie. ItÕs all about giving respect. Mark OK, IÕm sorry I said heÕs ugly. Molly Really, Janie, to attack AlexÕs girlfriend when she never did anything against you. Janie First of all, nobody attacked his girlfriend. And Mark just apologized. Ike YouÕre a bully. Molly SheÕs a bully. Franny IÕm not saying anything because IÕm such a positive, constructive person. Mark Look, this is crazy. Why donÕt we all sit down and talk? Janie This doesnÕt make any sense. Ike, how could you possibly interpret what Mark said as me saying something against AlexÕs girlfriend? Ike I think weÕve heard enough. (Franny, Molly and Ike exit.) Jane What the fuck? (Ike enters.) Ike Bully! (Ike exits. Janie and Mark look at each other.) Janie Do you understand what just happened? Mark It makes no sense. ItÕs almost like it wasÉ Janie A setup. (END OF SCENE) Scene 3(A dive bar in Manhattan. A meeting of a new writersÕ group, the Wordsmiths. Alex, Ike, Franny and Molly are there.) alex ÒAnd then Amara looked at Anthony with awe and admiration and said ÒOh Anthony, all of Africa owes you its gratitude. How lucky you came to us from Williamsburg Brooklyn. ÒWell babyÓ Anthony replied, ÒweÕre all here for a reason. I guess I found mine.Ó And they kissed deeply. The next week Anthony the handsome rogue from Williamsburg Brooklyn married the African Princess. The EndÓ Franny ThatÕs wonderful Alex. Alex ItÕs too bad Janie canÕt hear the changes I made. Molly I doubt she would appreciate them. Ike No, she wouldnÕt. She would say itÕs Òsexist.Ó Franny She would be negative as always. But since sheÕs not here, you wonÕt get any discouragement whatseoever Alex. Because we at Wordsmiths believe that the written word is a precious delicate thing, like a tiny seedling that must be nutured into a might oak of literary achievement. You will achieve greatness, Alex, like so many young men before you. Alex Aw thanks. You guys are the best. (They all applaud Alex and each other.) THE END
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