Christmas Blessing

Scene 1

(LORNA, a homeless woman, is begging for spare change in the Wall Street area of New York City in lower Manhattan.)

LORNA

Spare change? Spare change?

(MARK enters.)

mark

Spare change? Why don’t you work for a living? I don’t get any hand-outs! I work my ass off night and day running my newsstand. Nobody gives me nothing! Everything I have I worked for!

LORNA

Spare change?

mark

How about this – I’ll give you a job. You can work for a living. I’ll give you a quarter if you sing me a Christmas song.

Lorna

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer…

mark

Wait – dance while you sing and I’ll give you a dollar.

(Lorna holds out her hand for a dollar.)

You want an advance? Do the work first, then you get paid.

(Lorna begins dancing too. HOWARD, a Wall Street executive enters and watches.)

lorna

… had a very shiny nose… and if you ever saw it dah dah dah dah dah dah dah.

(Lorna can’t remember the next lines so does more “dah dah dahs” then she remembers some more lines.)

Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say: Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you be my slave tonight?

MARK

Whaaaat? “Won’t you be my slave tonight?” Who taught you to sing it that way?!

lorna

Can I still have a dollar?

mark

No! You butchered Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer! If you can’t do that one thing right - Jesus, no wonder you can’t find a job.

(To Howard)

What? What are you looking at? Oh poor homeless woman, you should feel sorry for her and give her some of your hard-earned money.

howard

No, I would never be in favor of you sacrificing any part of your wealth for another. That would be altruism.

mark

What’s what I’m saying. I worked hard for this money. I have my own newsstand.

howard

The capitalist entrepreneur is the backbone of this country.

Mark

That’s what I’m talking about.

howard

We must free ourselves from the tyranny of the moochers who cling to us like parasites.

mark

Wow. You should run for office – I would vote for you. You’re a smart guy.

Howard

Work as a public servant? Not likely. You should try reading “Atlas Shrugged.”

Mark

You know where I can get that?

Howard

Almost anywhere – look over there – that man there with the table full of books on the sidewalk.

Mark

You really think so?

(Mark exits to go see.)

lorna

Spare change?

(Mark returns with a copy of “Atlas Shrugged.”)

Mark

You were right! And look – it cost a dollar. The dollar I almost wasted on her.

Howard

You were wise to use your money for something of value. That is the proper role of capitalism. You should study that author’s work. You’ll learn so much. It’s the philosophy of Objectivism.

Mark

Objectivism – I like the sound of that. That’s what I am – an Objectivist. Hey man, are you a Wall Street hot shot? Where do you work?

Howard

AIG.

Mark

AIG? Didn’t they get bailed out by the government?

Howard

Yes. But I’m not happy about it. Well, excuse me.

(Howard exits.)

Mark

See yah around. Fight the parasites!

(He peruses “Atlas Shrugged.” He addresses Lorna)

Hey, listen to this – maybe you’ll learn something.

Mark

“He was guilty of nothing, except that he earned his own fortune and never forgot that it was his.”

I really like this Ayn Rand guy.

(He pronounced the name Ayn as “Ane”)

“I’m the man who robs the poor and gives to the rich—or, to be exact, the man who robs the thieving poor and gives back to the productive rich.”

Lorna

Spare change?

(JANINE, a Wall Street executive enters. She is a bit tipsy from her Christmas party. She is carrying a bottle of wine.)

Janine

Hello Lorna!

Lorna

Hi Janine.

Janine

Look what I got for you. I nice bottle of wine from my company’s Christmas party. I know I shouldn’t have, but I just couldn’t help it. I saw it and I thought – I bet Lorna would enjoy this more than these awful blue-shirts.

(She hands the bottle of wine to Lorna.)

Merry Christmas.

Lorna

Bless you Miss Janine.

Mark

What are you doing?

Janine

Excuse me?

Mark

Why are you giving that bottle of wine to that homeless lady?

Janine

Why is that your business?

Mark

She doesn’t need that.

Janine

It isn’t about need – it’s about what she wants. It’s Christmas.

(The CHRISTMAS FAIRY enters. She is a young woman, punk and/or goth looking. Only Mark can see her. She carries a magic wand. She touches Janine with the magic wand.)

Christmas Fairy

Christmas joy!

(Janine is filled with joy. Lorna drinks her wine.)

Janine

Oh my! It’s all such fun! Do you like the wine?

Lorna

Oh it’s so good!

(The Christmas Fairy touches Lorna with her wand.)

Christmas Fairy

Sweet Christmas Dreams.

(Lorna snuggles up with her bottle of wine, and naps – a happy smile on her face.)

Janine

Look how happy she is. This is the most wonderful time of the year.

Mark

(to the Christmas Fairy)

What the hell are you supposed to be?

Janine

Excuse me?

Mark

Not you.

Janine

Are you talking to Lorna? She’s sleeping.

Mark

No – that chick.

(Points to the Christmas Fairy.)

Christmas Fairy

You can see me?

Mark

Yeah I can see you. What are you wearing? It’s Christmas, not Halloween.

Janine

I guess I better get back to the office.

(Janine exits.)

Christmas Fairy

If you can see me, I guess The Powers-That-Be must have a kick-ass lesson in store for you.

Mark

The Powers-That-Be? Do you work on Wall Street too?

Christmas Fairy

I’m the Christmas Fairy, dumbass. New York is my territory. I’m spreading Christmas cheer, so just keep out of my way or you’ll be sorry.

Mark

Where’s my Christmas cheer? Come on – hey I think you’re kinda cute.

Christmas Fairy

No Christmas cheer for you. You were mean to Lorna.

Mark

How do you know?

Christmas Fairy

I know. Just like Santa Claus.

Mark

What’s with that wand? Those other two got real happy when you touched them. Does it have some kind of drug in there? Why don’t you touch me with it?

Christmas Fairy

No. Now bug off, creep.

(Mark tries to take the wand.)

Get away from me, asshole.

Mark

How come you’re a “Christmas fairy” and you say bad words?

Christmas Fairy

I’m the New York Christmas Fairy, fuckity fucktard.

Mark

Wow – I never heard that one before. Come on, give me that.

(He grabs the wand.)

Christmas Fairy

You’re in big fucking trouble now. Do you know what the penalty for illegal possession of a Fairy Wand is? Now I gotta gouge your eyes out!

(She tries to get his eyes – he runs away, still clutching the wand. She chases. Eventually she catches him and takes the wand back. Then she gouges out his eyes. This should not be messy or bloody – they just pop out like marbles. Mark covers his eyes with his hands. The Christmas Fairy has his eyes. If the actor can juggle, she might want to juggle the eyes.)

Mark

Ahhhhhh!!!!! Help! Police!

Christmas Fairy

The police are public servants. Are you sure you want them, Mr. Objectivist?

Mark

Somebody help me!

Christmas Fairy

Why don’t you help yourself? Are you a parasite?

Mark

You are a devil!

Christmas Fairy

No. But when I was alive I was selfish and self-centered. So they gave me this job after I died. But at least I wasn’t bad enough to get the really hard territory. Manhattan only has so many kind souls like Janine, that business lady with the wine. It doesn’t take so long to do the Manhattan territory. If I was really selfish and nasty they woulda made me the Christmas Fairy of Minnesota. They’re all so nice there, it takes weeks to cover that territory. And your ass is in a sling for a month afterwards.

Mark

Please help me Christmas Fairy.

Christmas Fairy

You know what you gotta do.

Mark

Be nice to people?

Christmas Fairy

More.

Mark

Pay people when I promised them I would?

Christmas Fairy

More….

Mark

Wait – I know – donate my old car to a charity for the blind.

Christmas Fairy

Bingo! Forced empathy gets ‘em every time. Here’s your eyes back.

(She sticks his eyes back into the sockets. He is as good as new.)

Mark

I’ll give to the blind – but I’m not sacrificing my wealth. That’s altruism.

Christmas Fairy

Shut the fuck up or you’ll be sorry when you die.

Mark

No look – this really cool guy Ayn (Ane) Rand says altruism is bad.

Christmas Fairy

It’s Ayn Rand.

(She pronounces it “Ine”)

And it’s a her and you do not want to listen to her.

Mark

But in “Atlas Shrugged” it says -

Christmas Fairy

Did you hear me douchebag? She’s a nut – probably a sociopath – and thanks to her there are all these Libertarians running around – although I guess I really shouldn’t complain, they make my job much easier.

Mark

Oh yeah? So are the Powers-That-Be gonna go after Ayn Rand and yank out her eyes too?

Christmas Fairy

Too late – she’s already dead. And seriously, you don’t want to end up like her.

Mark

Why? What happened to her?

Christmas Fairy

You can’t guess?

Mark

No.

Christmas Fairy

Come on, there were plenty of clues.

Mark

Nope, still don’t get it.

Christmas Fairy

She’s the Christmas Fairy of Minnesota, moron!

Mark

Oh.

Christmas Fairy

You know what to do right?

Mark

Wait – uh, I know “Merry Christmas everybody!”

Christmas Fairy

No! Go donate the car! They have a web site. Go google it. I gotta move on - I got some work to do over in Queens. Later.

(She almost exits but remembers.)

Here’s an advance.

(She touches him with her wand. He feels Christmas joy.)

Mark

Wow!

THE END

Christmas Fairy	Manhattan is her beat
Mark	Owns a newsstand, not an altruist
Lorna	Homeless woman
Howard	A Wall Street executive – committed Objectivist
Janine	A Wall Street executive - compassionate